Being Real

I want to be, anonymous. For once, I want to just let myself go, completely, in cyber world. I feel like everything is always so... out there. Ya know? It's like how on facebook everyone (including myself) has no problem displaying all personal information about themselves. Which is why so many people (once again, including myself) has a facebook-stalking problem. It's okay, people, I get it. 

I am really comfortable with myself though. I have some really great ways at making myself happy without having to use others to do so. For instance... right now I'm wearing a cream-colored cashmere afghan sweater, over my favorite "peace" sweatpants, and the yummiest, fuzzy, cheetah-print socks that I got for Christmas. Mmm, I just feel so... good!! I love that I have the ability to make me happy. That really is a very uncommon thing! I know soooo so many people that are completely self-conscious and depend on the approval of others to make themselves feel worthy. My best friend is so exquisite and perfect in her own imperfect way, and I love every curve and emotion that she has... it's just too bad that she is so dependent on the opinions of others. Her mom secretly thinks that she's pudgy, and my girl catches on to that, she's no idiot. Gosh, that just makes my blood boil that a mother could make her daughter feel that she is inadequate, when she's so amazing! 

It's sucks that the insecurity that most women have is so huge. Women are screaming everywhere to be saved from themselves. I'm sure that a large number of attempted suicides from women are because they think that they're fat. Dude, just today I was looking in the mirror, pulled up my shirt, jumped, and I was sickened at the result. It jiggled soo much. Too many Christmas cookies? Or perhaps it's just normal...

I'm a dancer, so with that comes the expectancy for a perfectly-toned, buff bod. 

Which I certainly don't have.

There have been times in my life where I've gotten pretty close to being just about the right body type that I want, but it always backslides. I can never ever keep that ideal body. Which is probably a hint from God that that is not my natural state, I'm not meant to look like my "ideal". And I might have to learn to deal with it.

I'm not gonna sit here on my bed and tell you that I'm over it, and that you should be too because it's easy. Because it's not, and I get that. I still struggle every freaking day with being happy with my body. But I have learned to make myself happy... as I stated earlier. Sometimes, it just takes baby steps. From fuzzy cheetah socks to a better body image.... maybe? I hope it works. But it's a process. Ohh, it's a process. 

Gosh, sometimes I just wish that I wasn't just like every other girl though, you know? Like I wish that I wouldn't have to live up to that stereotype of every girl hating their body. Sometimes I think that I'm not like that, and that I love my body and I embrace it.... but then I start thinking about it too much (like now) and I realize that I actually really don't like it. Crap! Fix my minnnnd!! 

Anyways... in more positive news:

I got a bread machine for Christmas, and tonight I have begun making my very first work of bread-art, which is cinnamon swirl bread! Holla hollaa!! It won't be done for another like 45 minutes though, which sucks since it's already 2:20 in the morning. Probably, I should have planned out my time better. But I was just so excited to get started with my beautiful bread machine, that I couldn't resist myself! Mm, i just hope that it will be worth it when that ooey gooey beautiful bread pops out :) Don't be jealous! Jealousy is bad!

Godspeed, friends

A.H.