This is lame.

When I take a deep breath, I expect it to be cleansing, full, exhilerating... not full of nasty pollution and toxins.

The weather's been getting dramatically warmer over the past week and it's pumpin me up! I love love looove the outdoors and now I can be out there without freezing my bum off. However, I get this free feeling of wanting to breathe it all in, and when I do that, all I breathe in is nasty air crap coming from the hefty busses and cars that take over our roads. And it makes me mad. But whatever. 

This spring break I'm going to Colorado on a trip with Exodus, and it's going to be tremendous, and filled with tons of clean air and free area that isn't taken up by buildings and people. Man, that's going to be great! And I can't wait to meet so many new people from the church too. Actually, from the whole body of Christ, to broaden it up a bit. We'll be going to a huge worship conference one night, where we can meet tons of other Christ-followers. And we'll be able to do plenty of service opportunities too! Okay and I'm gonna be honest... I'm mostly really excited to go hiking and spend time with Momma Nature (one of God's many awesome names). So I'm pumped!

Ew, the past two days, I've had the flu and it suuucked! I didn't dance those days (plus the weekend), so it's been about five days of non-dancing, and my muscles are exhausted just walking up the stairs. UH OH. So this week I'm gonna have to really push myself. And actually do it! I always say that I'm going to push past my limit, and make myself cry if I have to... but i never really do that. I'm afraid? Yeah, I am. My body isn't completely unproportioned or obese, so it's hard to get motivated. But I know what I need to do to achieve my best self, in dancing and mentally. 

Blah blah I'm bored with this post. 

Snow day?

Today was a snow day, which was, well, to be quite honest... sooo so uneventful. Not like the good-ol days back when we were chilluns. A snow day used to mean that we would go outside and roll around in the snow until we could no longer feel our extremities. But now, well, I just feel stuck indoors. We didn't get invited to go sledding with a big group of people from Cru, which is totally understandable since we aren't really that tight with them yet, but it was still a bit lame to sit around indoors when everyone was out having a gay time. 

Maybe tomorrow will be another snow day and we can REALLY utilize the white weather!

Whatever.

But I still love us. I still just love being able to spend time with my amazing girlfriends. Taquitos. Besties. Loves. 

  [all names apply]

I love them!!!! Gosh, I'm so incredibly blessed to have friends like Kailee, Jackie, and Alena. They're amazing.

Annnnd, today we signed the lease to our apartment for next year! Heck yes!!! The number is 468...which is great because it's the last three digits of my cell phone number, which I'm pretty sure is a good sign, right?

We knocked on the door of the apartment to see who was living there and maybe glimpse at what it looked like, and there were a few girls that lived there and they were so dear! They showed us around the place (which was immaculantly clean) and we got to see our future home!!! It's so crazy that we will actually have our own place. Dude, and I was just thinking about how although we'll all have our own bedrooms, I really don't think that there will be very many times where we're gonna want to be apart, even in different parts of the house. We'll probably end up rotating rooms to study and talk in. BAHHH I can't wait!!!!

It's so strange, because right now I'm actually enjoying studying. Whattt???

Anatomy, nonetheless. 

I just think it's fun to know stuff. Which sounds sooo stupid, but it's fun to finally be smarter than other people in one area. Like I can walk around campus and meet a journalism student and know that I know more about the way their skin is formed than they do. I can tell them that they're covered in keratinized simple squamus cells with a deep layer of mitosis. 

Cool!

So I'm gonna go to bed now and dream about things that will make me happy.

He Knows Me.

It's so beautiful to think about how much God loves me. Okay, like honestly He loves me sooo so much. Gosh, there is no way I could possibly ever comprehend how much He loves me! But because He's God and that means that He knows everything and everything about me... then that means that He is a part of everything about me. Like with my dancing... he knows every single thing about it. He knows how much it hurts to do a devellope, He understands that I love that indulgent moment of extending my arms from east to west, my Father knows how hard it is to do a deep lunge and then lift up into a triple pirroutte. And He is there in those moments! He is breathing with me, enduring with me, sharing the same joy that I am. 

It's so mind-blowing that God could love me so much that he would want to be in the dance studio with me for five hours. He watches me, He dances with me. Today in church, we were singing a worship song and this verse particularly caught me, 

"You dance over me while I am unaware, You sing all around but I never hear the sound"

Oh, now isn't it just awesome to know that Somebody loves us sooo so much, that He is there even when we don't realize it? He never ever abandons, never gets bored of me, always wants to hear what I have to say, He's amazed by my every move. This Father is soo in love with all of His children. And I am one of them! We all are! Ahh, I just love that. He's probably singing the most beautiful and perfect love song to me right now... and even though I can't hear it, just knowing that He is there and doing it anyways still makes me happy enough.

My love for you is deep, Father. It's growing bigger and more different everyday for You. I just want You to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to love You the way that You deserve to be loved. It will never be enough, but I will give You what I can. Thanks so much for using my dancing to speak to me. What an awesome gift! I love it! You sure know how to give the best birthday presents. You're amazing. And I love you!!! 

Passionate Rambling

I just want to say, that I love dancing so much. Okay, now I know that that sounds like a childish statement, but truly right now all I want to do is dance. I haven't been dancing for about 2 weeks now, because I'm not at school, and I feel like my body is ready to explode. 

Words Cannot Describe

I breathe, 

I sink,

I melt into the earth.

Explode, retract,

Pick me up, 

Let me fly.

Wonderscape of floating,

Changing, and 

Rearranging:

Take me as I am.

Sprinting at full force,

Collapsing then colliding.

Moving is surviving,

My body is effortlessly falling,

But not without control;

Not without the knowledge of knowing,

Knowing that this is what I have,

To give.

Give, give, give.

Release, 

Let it go.

This is my surrender.

These are my open wounds.

Take and cover, 

Band-aid and heal.

My life, yours.

All insides, out

And expelled, to

You.

my heart won't stop singing, this hymn

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing, 

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet, 

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Here by Thy great help I've come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,

I shall see Thy lovely face;

Clothed then in blood washed linen

How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;

Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,

Take my ransomed soul away;

Send the angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless day.

Being Real

I want to be, anonymous. For once, I want to just let myself go, completely, in cyber world. I feel like everything is always so... out there. Ya know? It's like how on facebook everyone (including myself) has no problem displaying all personal information about themselves. Which is why so many people (once again, including myself) has a facebook-stalking problem. It's okay, people, I get it. 

I am really comfortable with myself though. I have some really great ways at making myself happy without having to use others to do so. For instance... right now I'm wearing a cream-colored cashmere afghan sweater, over my favorite "peace" sweatpants, and the yummiest, fuzzy, cheetah-print socks that I got for Christmas. Mmm, I just feel so... good!! I love that I have the ability to make me happy. That really is a very uncommon thing! I know soooo so many people that are completely self-conscious and depend on the approval of others to make themselves feel worthy. My best friend is so exquisite and perfect in her own imperfect way, and I love every curve and emotion that she has... it's just too bad that she is so dependent on the opinions of others. Her mom secretly thinks that she's pudgy, and my girl catches on to that, she's no idiot. Gosh, that just makes my blood boil that a mother could make her daughter feel that she is inadequate, when she's so amazing! 

It's sucks that the insecurity that most women have is so huge. Women are screaming everywhere to be saved from themselves. I'm sure that a large number of attempted suicides from women are because they think that they're fat. Dude, just today I was looking in the mirror, pulled up my shirt, jumped, and I was sickened at the result. It jiggled soo much. Too many Christmas cookies? Or perhaps it's just normal...

I'm a dancer, so with that comes the expectancy for a perfectly-toned, buff bod. 

Which I certainly don't have.

There have been times in my life where I've gotten pretty close to being just about the right body type that I want, but it always backslides. I can never ever keep that ideal body. Which is probably a hint from God that that is not my natural state, I'm not meant to look like my "ideal". And I might have to learn to deal with it.

I'm not gonna sit here on my bed and tell you that I'm over it, and that you should be too because it's easy. Because it's not, and I get that. I still struggle every freaking day with being happy with my body. But I have learned to make myself happy... as I stated earlier. Sometimes, it just takes baby steps. From fuzzy cheetah socks to a better body image.... maybe? I hope it works. But it's a process. Ohh, it's a process. 

Gosh, sometimes I just wish that I wasn't just like every other girl though, you know? Like I wish that I wouldn't have to live up to that stereotype of every girl hating their body. Sometimes I think that I'm not like that, and that I love my body and I embrace it.... but then I start thinking about it too much (like now) and I realize that I actually really don't like it. Crap! Fix my minnnnd!! 

Anyways... in more positive news:

I got a bread machine for Christmas, and tonight I have begun making my very first work of bread-art, which is cinnamon swirl bread! Holla hollaa!! It won't be done for another like 45 minutes though, which sucks since it's already 2:20 in the morning. Probably, I should have planned out my time better. But I was just so excited to get started with my beautiful bread machine, that I couldn't resist myself! Mm, i just hope that it will be worth it when that ooey gooey beautiful bread pops out :) Don't be jealous! Jealousy is bad!

Godspeed, friends

A.H.

Christmas Eve Humdrum

Merry Christmas Eve!!! It's all a bit surreal that it's actually Christmastime. Hmm, but I guess it's just because now that we're getting older, all of the presents and Santa stuff is a lot less monumental. Probably once I have my own chilluns, then it's all gonna become a big deal again. I still love Christmas though, don't get me wrong, but it's just for different reasons that it used to be! Like now I love Christmas because I love looking at how pretty our Christmas tree is, and I love our home all decorated, and most of all I just love having the whole Gough fam together again. We always get an ample amount of movie-watching in. And there's always a lot of lovin going around. We're such a chill family, and it suits us just fine. Christmas is wonderful, I just wish that it didn't have the expectation of having to get presents. What a stupid idea anyways! Whoever thought that presents were the basis of Christmas seriously sucks. That's such a selfish idea. It all started because of Jesus, hellooo?! And, if anything, presents were originally just given because the person wanted to do a nice thing and "give" out of their hearts! Like, one gift, people. I know, it's hard to believe. Our society has completely sucked any real meaning out of what Christmas used to be about. 

So that's how I think of Christmas. 

Oh yeah, and I loooove Christmas music! Especially Taylor Swift's little album. Mainly, her "Silent Night". So, I told myself that this Christmas break I would definitely do a million crafts, and then I was going to send out those adorable little crafts to some of my friends from school. However. I haven't made any crafts yet, I don't know what to make, and now I won't have any gifts sent out before Christmas. Hmm, I suck. But Alena taught me to knit! So I'm selfishly making myself a scarf. Once I get good and fast, I'll make them for other people. :) 

Melly Chrithmuth Eve!